Catch Me When I Fall

I’ve tried it one too many times before. Yet, I remember the first time I’ve ever done it; dark thoughts invaded my mind and only a thin thread tied me to sanity. It was December then, the time for love, giving, sharing and birth and yet I was brooding and tense. I was 11 years old then and trying to bear the world’s problems. I can’t do it. The tension has taken its toll and I snap. It seemed to be the only option left then. So, I get the rusted blade and slowly made the cut. Blood was dripping slowly, one by one. Deeper. It turned into rivulets. Deeper. It was now flowing profusely. I felt revived and it seemed that all things cleared up but then reality came crushing in. In a nutshell, I lived.

My purpose in writing this report is to call the attention of the society to this epidemic spreading amongst the hope of our future. We should always take things into consideration before making any decisions. I’d like to present the cold, hard facts that underlie in this current phenomenon.

Suicide. It’s the latest trend in the youth today. According to the National Institutes of Health, Suicide is the third leading killer of 15 to 24 year olds in the United States, behind accidents and homicides. That is pretty much a big cause for concern among parents but what is more that in our country, among the 16.5 million young Filipinos, 2 million have contemplated committing suicide, with .05 million already with unsuccessful attempts, me included. This “silent epidemic” is slowly eating up the future of our nation. “Definitely, these are not small numbers in a society,” so emphasizes by Dr. Corazon M. Raymundo, professor of demography at the University of the Philippines Population Institute and the project coordinator for the Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study. Definitely too, in a nation that is expected to have 30 million youths by 2030, these numbers are a bad prophecy.

I’ve always wondered what drove those teenagers to commit suicide; what drove me to do that stunt again last September. My grandmother just died and everything seems to pile up; the pressure, my peers, schoolwork, everything. It looks as if I have no hope, depression sets in. And that is how the experts see suicide- suicide attempts as a very serious aspect of depression. Suicide is chosen as the only way in which depressed people can escape when they are unable to tolerate life as it is any longer. They believe that they can no longer fulfill any purpose in lie and are a burden to those they love, their friends, or society. Based on researches, there is an increased risk of suicidal gestures, completed suicide and death from accidents following the death of a spouse, parent or any loved one. Suicide and Bereavement, a match set in depression. Depression is a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity. Some signs of depression include: a sad mood which lasts for weeks or months, spells of crying when a person might not even know what he or she is crying about, chronic fatigue or lack of energy, poor self-esteem, lack of enjoyment in life. Another common thread of cause is the lack of respect given to them by peers. Being ridiculed for having unrequited love, being verbally and/or physically abused is example of this. Such case is Rekha Solanki. She attempted self-immolation (setting herself on fire) at her home in a residential complex At Mira Road last January 12 after Thakur, a driver living in Borivali, declined her proposal.

"Teenage" is often synonymous with emotional instability. One moment everything is fine and the next moment the world is ending. The inconstant nature of the adolescent makes it particularly difficult for parents, teachers and counselors to spot the behavior that signals suicidal thoughts. Parents often confuse suicidal warning signs with typical teenage behavior, according to child psychologist Cheryl King, Ph.D., from the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. However, some major warning signs to watch for include: Marked changes in a youngster's personality at home or school, Transformations in a young person's eating or sleeping habits, Alcohol or drug use. Children at risk of suicide may threaten to hurt or kill themselves, reports Dr. King. They may also acquire dangerous drugs or weapons -- like pills or guns -- in an effort to kill themselves. Children with suicidal tendencies may talk or write about death. They might also organize their belongings in ways that suggest they are preparing for departure. Adolescents on the verge of suicide might demonstrate feelings of anger, hopelessness, anxiety or agitation. Dr. King also advises parents to look for possible signs of depression in children, like irritability and aggressiveness lasting for two weeks or more. Doctors can treat depressive disorders, including bi-polar disorder, with medications and psychotherapy. If there is any suspicion, Dr. King advises parents to contact a mental health professional for help immediately. Among girls, the most significant risk factor is the presence of major depression, which, in some studies, increases the risk of suicide 12-fold. The next most important factor is a previous suicide attempt, which increases the risk approximately 3 fold. Among boys, a previous suicide attempt is the most potent predictor, increasing the rate over 30-fold. It is followed by depression, disruptive behavior, and substance abuse.

Studies show that suicide attempts among young people may be based on long-standing problems triggered by a specific event. Dr. Raymundo writes that Metro Manila youth, on account of their exposure to more complex environment, also have the highest experiences in the angst of depression and hopelessness. Feelings of anger and resentment combined with exaggerated guilt can lead to impulsive, self-destructive acts.

There had been a little investigation of the potential neurobiological roots of teen age suicides. Researchers at the University of Illinois-Chicago and colleagues decided to take a close look at the enzyme called protein kinase C (PKC), which is already known to play a role in mood disorders. They wanted to know if the brains of teenage suicide victims exhibit different patterns of PKC than the brains of teens that died from other causes. The study showed that a reduction in PKC activity in the brains of teen suicide victims compared to those who died of non-psychiatric causes (mostly homicides). Someday these findings might lead to a test to identify teens at highest risk of suicide.

Whenever I feel the need to unwind or relax, I get my surgical knife and slice through my left wrists. Nobody notices it, so I just assume that nobody cares. I wonder if this is how other suicidal teenagers feel. I wasn’t to break free from this vicious cycle but then again, no one is there. That is why I feel happy for those who have finally gotten over their bouts of depression. Yes, there are actually some institutions that help people get over their suicidal tendencies like the American Association of Suicidology (ASS) which is dedicated to the understanding and prevention of suicide by promoting research, public awareness, education and training for professionals and volunteers. Another is the Samaritans which is a non-religious charity that has been offering emotional support for over 40 years by phone, visit and letter. also included are the Suicide Prevention Action Network (SPAN) – a non-profit organization dedicated to the creation of an effective national suicide prevention strategy; American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Covenant House Youth Crisis Line and last but by far the most successful suicide prevention program, SOS (Signs of Suicide).

People usually kill themselves to escape what they see to be an intolerable and otherwise inescapable situation, not necessarily because they want to die. I suppose that I should stop this habit of mine. Digging deeper into the cuts whenever the pressure gets high. It isn’t healthy and convenient at all. I don’t want attention; I just want to be normal. What is normal anyway? I just hope that when I close my eyes and free fall into the unknown, letting go of all this crap, someone would catch me when I fall.