Hell.
It's actually my birth day today. Cool.
Although the tragedy of it all was that during the most awaited day of my life (aside from Christmas of course) is yet still to suck. And suck hard it did,, but in a good way.
I'm sixteen today! Yes!
Anyway, a series of unfortunate events happened to me starting off with being extremely late for my class, say third period? I was stuck in traffic for 2 hours.After that, while I was going down the PUV I tumbled down and fell like Humpty Dumpty. It was embarrasing. I failed my English Test. I messed up with my Math homework. I was starting to feel depressed on my effing birth day.
Lucky for me I have my friends! I want to thank them all for remembering this twat's birth date and being willing enough to spend the day with the said twat, even give the twat gifts...
Denesy, I like the yellow towel. It's sooo gay. Very much like me... Hahaha, honestly, I like it. Thanks!
Eljohn, Rommel, Ton, Kim, Jav, Emo Friend, thank you for that wonderfully delicious chocolate cake. I loved the marshmallows and the icing. You know me to well...
Prima - My Liege, Lord Master My Dictator For Life, Mrs. Beckett, Mrs. Flowers, Rin-ciaco, Intet, Princess, bestfriend, Santi!!! Your letter made me cry. Thanks for considering me as your friend. Love yah!!! Santi!!!
Tanya, Emo Friend, Trisha, Alyssa, Sheila, thankss for texting me a happy b-day. I really wasn't worth your 1 peso nevertheless I feel the love...
Everyone else, thanks for greeting me a happy birth day! You made my day very special and worthwhile. I forgot my bad beginning and rushed through happy ending.
Kudos to everyone!
P.S.
I am definitely out of the closet.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Angst is fun, Angst is good, Angst will not make my fingers swell!
I think that the thought of me failing at anything never crossed the mind of my parents – they believe in me too much. This is a big problem for me since I don’t believe that I have any self-worth at all…
It is 12:51 a.m. on a Sunday morning and I can’t sleep. Thoughts of failure keeps me awake most of the time but tonight there are butterflies in my stomach zooming back and forth. I do not know what bothers me the most, school, family, responsibilities I never really considered and have done well in before.
If you are reading this then be assured that, yes, this is in fact a suicide note. It may take me years to commit that act or days but I assume that what I write in here would still be the issue pestering me to no end. I am not fickle as to die because of love, I’d die because of selfish reasons – reasons yet I am still to uncover as I write this note. Maybe it is the reason why I cannot sleep…
Yes, one day, you would find me with my wrists cut and lots of blood around my fat, cold, dead body – I am too much of a melodramatic person.
I think that I failed in my College tests and I would be a burden to my parents, see selfish reasons really. I don’t want to be a bother. My sisters are too young to be tainted with my mistakes, that is why I wouldn’t drag them into my mess. My sisters are very bright, happy, and lovable persons, they will do well in the world. The world will love them, society will accept them, they will charm their way into a life of comfort – things that I will never be able or willing to do. I do not envy them, I admire them, and I will always love them.
I am utterly disgusted with myself. I do not know how my friends could love me (for I do love tem, the question is why do they love me back) and how could my parents tolerate my presence for nearly a span of 15, 16 as of January 9, years. I am a pitiful excuse for a human being; I do not deserve the attention, the care, the providence given to me. I am thankful for everything, I just realized that I lack the capacity to be able to fulfill their expectations and return their gifts. I still cannot comprehend their reason for being with me…
I still believe that I am of no importance but still this would not be the reason for my death, I am not affected nor do I resent the fact that I am a speck of dust in a gigantic universe, small enough to be ignored, small enough to be destroyed yet still no one will look for after.
I still do not know the reason why I cut myself before I sleep, why I dream of dying, why I always think of depressing thoughts, why I always toy with ideas concerning my demise. I do not have a mental problem. Maybe that is why I am writing this note, to assure everyone of my healthy state of mind as I reason out why I should die.
I do not want to be the girl who died because she hates poverty, a very petty reason if you ask me, I do not want to be the boy who wanted to be free of poverty, I am much more courageous than him I believe because running away is not the answer, I want to be the girl who wanted to die because she thought it was a high time for someone to help the world have a lesser population and get rid of another delinquent in the making. I’d like that very much…
I want t clear that I love my parents, I love them dearly, maybe that is why I am doing this (and as of now tears are running down my cheeks, hahaha very melodramatic), I’d want them to have less burden on their minds. I am a teenager, I’d like to go to college and finish a course which costs a fortune, I am the eldest of five daughters, I have many financial needs, I do not want my parents to have a problem with me. Maybe if I go away to that place where all lost souls go, they’d have enough money to support my other four sisters and give them everything they need, I take up a lot of our resources as I exist.
Hahaha, maybe I should just sleep...
It is 12:51 a.m. on a Sunday morning and I can’t sleep. Thoughts of failure keeps me awake most of the time but tonight there are butterflies in my stomach zooming back and forth. I do not know what bothers me the most, school, family, responsibilities I never really considered and have done well in before.
If you are reading this then be assured that, yes, this is in fact a suicide note. It may take me years to commit that act or days but I assume that what I write in here would still be the issue pestering me to no end. I am not fickle as to die because of love, I’d die because of selfish reasons – reasons yet I am still to uncover as I write this note. Maybe it is the reason why I cannot sleep…
Yes, one day, you would find me with my wrists cut and lots of blood around my fat, cold, dead body – I am too much of a melodramatic person.
I think that I failed in my College tests and I would be a burden to my parents, see selfish reasons really. I don’t want to be a bother. My sisters are too young to be tainted with my mistakes, that is why I wouldn’t drag them into my mess. My sisters are very bright, happy, and lovable persons, they will do well in the world. The world will love them, society will accept them, they will charm their way into a life of comfort – things that I will never be able or willing to do. I do not envy them, I admire them, and I will always love them.
I am utterly disgusted with myself. I do not know how my friends could love me (for I do love tem, the question is why do they love me back) and how could my parents tolerate my presence for nearly a span of 15, 16 as of January 9, years. I am a pitiful excuse for a human being; I do not deserve the attention, the care, the providence given to me. I am thankful for everything, I just realized that I lack the capacity to be able to fulfill their expectations and return their gifts. I still cannot comprehend their reason for being with me…
I still believe that I am of no importance but still this would not be the reason for my death, I am not affected nor do I resent the fact that I am a speck of dust in a gigantic universe, small enough to be ignored, small enough to be destroyed yet still no one will look for after.
I still do not know the reason why I cut myself before I sleep, why I dream of dying, why I always think of depressing thoughts, why I always toy with ideas concerning my demise. I do not have a mental problem. Maybe that is why I am writing this note, to assure everyone of my healthy state of mind as I reason out why I should die.
I do not want to be the girl who died because she hates poverty, a very petty reason if you ask me, I do not want to be the boy who wanted to be free of poverty, I am much more courageous than him I believe because running away is not the answer, I want to be the girl who wanted to die because she thought it was a high time for someone to help the world have a lesser population and get rid of another delinquent in the making. I’d like that very much…
I want t clear that I love my parents, I love them dearly, maybe that is why I am doing this (and as of now tears are running down my cheeks, hahaha very melodramatic), I’d want them to have less burden on their minds. I am a teenager, I’d like to go to college and finish a course which costs a fortune, I am the eldest of five daughters, I have many financial needs, I do not want my parents to have a problem with me. Maybe if I go away to that place where all lost souls go, they’d have enough money to support my other four sisters and give them everything they need, I take up a lot of our resources as I exist.
Hahaha, maybe I should just sleep...
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